


Not Today

by Margut



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-16
Updated: 2018-11-03
Packaged: 2019-05-07 17:10:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14675682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Margut/pseuds/Margut
Summary: There are many times in Mina’s life when she is ready to speak up. Sadly very few of those times she actually does.





	1. Chapter 1

Mina

 

How do you tell the people you love that they’re hurting you? You know they don’t mean to. In fact you’re sure they don’t even realize what they’re doing ,but that doesn’t stop the sting in your heart every time you try to be heard. You’re voice compared to the rest is practically invisible.

Sadly, the more you think about it the more you realize it’s not just you’re voice that is invisible. YOU are invisible. How can you be noticed when you are surrounded by a group of girls that are virtually perfect? You will never be as pretty as Tzuyu. You will never be as good a dancer as Momo. You sure as hell will never be as good of a singer as Nayeon and Jihyo. You will never be as entertaining as Dahyun. You will never be as charming as Jungyeon. You will never be as creative as Chaeyoung. And the one that hurts you the most, you will never be as loved as Sana.

You play it off as if you weren’t craving the attention your fellow Japanese member receives, but as time goes by, the more you realize how much you want to be loved. The more you realize you will NEVER be loved the same. You can never hold that against her. It’s not her fault that you’re useless. You have learned to live with this, however at times like these when you are all sitting in the couch, you can’t help but notice just how distant you are from them. Everyone is cuddled up together as close as they can, but there you are a good 2 feet away from them. It truly isn’t their fault. You know it’s not their fault. How can they know how your feeling when you don’t say a thing.

“What’s wrong” Chaeyoung whispers to you. This always happens. Out of all of them Chaeng is usually the first one to notice when something’s off. You want to tell her everything. She deserves to know. She deserves to know that you feel left out. She deserves to know that there are times when you just feel invisible. However, now is not the time. At least not today.

“ Nothing I’m just tired”. There it is you’ve lied to her again. You will tell her. Just not today.


	2. Not right now

“Mina”

“Mina, wake up”

“MINA”

Slowly your eyes open. Even with the blurriness you can distinguish your members. Jeongyeon, Chaeyoung, and Nayeon were in front of you.

“Mina come on, we’re going to be late.” Nayeon said softly. That’s when it hits you. You forgot to set your alarm, the feeling of self hatred comes back to you.

“Oh, I’m so sorry I must have slept and not thought ahead. I really am sorry I opromise it won’t happen again.” You quickly apologize as you scramble to get ready. Today Is Twice’s comeback stage and you forgot. How could you forget such an important day? Good job Mina you really are useless. You get lost in your thoughts when you feel someone hand on your back.

“Hey, it’s ok, we all forget at times. To be honest we didn’t wake you up earlier because we didn’t want to disturb your sleep.” Jeongyeon glances around the room to your members before making eye contact with you.

“ Mina, we uhm well, we really didn’t want to say anything but are you ok?” Her stare slowly falls to her feet before continuing.

“I know you haven’t been sleeping. Actually I know there’s something you haven’t been telling us. I, i really am worried.” She quickly looks at the other members quietly asking for help.

“Look we wouldn’t bring this up if it weren’t for The fact that Jihyo is seriously about to call an intervention ,and I know how much you hate confrontation. Please tell me if somethings wrong. Please.” You could hear it. The sadness in her voice. That in itself is almost enough for you to tell them everything that has been going on. After a few moments of silence, you look up to see Chaeyoung’s sad eyes looking straight into yours. What would happen if you were to tell them the truth? You would become a burden. You would become not only useless but also a distraction You couldn’t possibly do that to them.

“Guys I promise nothing is wrong. The truth is my sleeping schedule still hasn’t gone back to normal after our time in Japan.” You’re doing it again. You’re lying straight to their faces. Guilt fills your body, but you know it’s the only way. You guys are way to busy to be having distractions.

“Now come on let’s not be late, you all know what happened last time we were.” You smile and lead them out of the door. You will tell them everything eventually. Just not right now. Just not today.


	3. Breaking point

Knock  
Knock

  
“Mina please open the door.” You sigh knowing you could only avoid this conversation for so long especially after what happened today. Slowly and quietly the door opens revealing a very concerned Jihyo looking straight into your eyes. Her stare is enough to make the walls you’ve put up almost collapse. Quite honestly, the atmosphere in the room is almost unbearable and it seems like you’re not the only one feeling this way.

“Put on your shoes we’re going for a walk.” Jihyo firmly says. The tone in her voice only makes you worry more. You can tell she’s not mad, in fact the word disappointment seems to fit in more. You wish she was mad though. You deserve it. After you snapped at Momo during practice, you deserve for them all to hate you.

After walking for a few minutes in silence Jihyo comes to a stop in front of a small cafe. You’ve never been here before, but it feels comfortable. After ordering you both sit at a corner booth almost completely isolated from the rest of the cafe. The warm air makes you start thinking of everything that has happened these past two days, that doesn’t last long however as your leader’s soft voice brings you back to reality.

“Mina you’re going to have to talk at some point.” After a few moments of silence she sighs before continuing. “She’s not mad at you. She would never be mad at you, if anything she’s worried. We all are.” Her stare slowly rises until her eyes meet yours before choking up a sob. “you haven’t had a proper meal in weeks, I can hear you’re not sleeping, and the worst part is we all know you’re avoiding us.” At this point you can tell she’s just about to start crying and if Jihyo cries because of you, you really would be the worst person alive.

“I’m sorry for becoming a distraction to the group, that’s the last thing I wanted” your eyes don’t dare look at her they don’t deserve to.

“Is that really what you think I’m worried about?” After a nod on your part. A soft chuckle escapes her lips. “Listen Mina, at this point I don’t give two damns about the group. I don’t care ok? I’m not here to talk to you as your leader or a member of the group. I’m here to talk to you as a friend.”

You can sense the sadness coming from her voice. You don’t deserve a friend. You don’t deserve someone being nice to you. She should be mad at you. She should be ready to kick you out of the group because quite honestly, that’s what you deserve.

With tears threatening to come out you put on your fakest smile “If that’s the case than you shouldn’t be worried at all. I’m perfectly fine. I was just frustrated during practice because i couldn’t get the moves right. I know I shouldn’t have taken it out on Momo but i promise it won’t happen again.”

You can’t tell her the truth. She doesn’t deserve to worry about someone as useless as you. You know you have to talk to someone before you reach your breaking point, but you guys have way too much going on. One more time you lie. Because today is not the right time. Definitely not today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you guys have any questions or recommendations please feel free to comment.


	4. Nayeon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What does Nayeon think of all of this??

Nayeon

She knew something was going on. For months now she could feel just how distant Mina had gotten from the rest of the group. One by one they had tried to talk to her, but not even Sana or Momo had been able to break past the wall their friend had put up. As the days passed by the more obvious it became just how much their group dynamics had changed.

The eldest couldn’t help but think that it was her fault that it had gotten this bad. Nayeon had noticed changes in the girl since last year, but had put the blame on stress. It wasn’t until she had found Mina’s journal that she realized just how bad everything had gotten.

What had once been a journal filled with hope and happiness had now become the home of many sad stories. She had picked up the notebook to put it up but got curious and read the first page.

 **What do you want me to be i’m** **_trying my best can’t you see_  
Yet here you are screaming at me telling me i am nothing  
What is it you want me to be i've gone through all the lanes i should be free  
Yet here you are your not happy you've chained me up now i'm your puppet.**

Was this really how she felt? Nayeon knew exactly who this was aimed at. After the Bambam incident, Mina was never the same. She became anxious every time they were in public. The shell they had tried so hard to break had returned. Only this time she didn’t allow them to get close. The public's opinion about her had affected her so much.

It hurt Nayeon to know just how much pain some useless losers caused to her penguin. She knew it was an invasion of privacy but Nayeon couldn’t help herself. She had to know what was going on in Mina’s head. So she kept on reading.

**_She thinks there’s no way home_  
she thinks the road is not there anymore  
But in reality she’s screaming for help but nobody will listen  
They’re all to busy to realize her real self is missing  
She puts on a fake smile and continues her day  
As she walks down that stage she’s slowly fading away**

Had she been trying to tell them something? What had she missed? Thinking back Nayeon realized that although Mina had been trying her best to act normal, there were definitely times when you could tell something was wrong. Mina, although not much of a talker, had always been great at observing. She never really missed a thing. This also made her an exceptional liar. Studying everyone, she understood exactly how to act and what to say to make them believe or do as she pleased.

If Mina didn’t want anyone to know how she was feeling she would have made sure that no one could figure out that something was off. Instead she let them see the signs of sadness, and they didn’t do anything about them. She was silently pleading for help and nobody listened.

It truly was her fault that it had gotten this far. Putting the journal down, Nayeon went to her room to think. She had had as much as she could handle for one day. She needed to talk to Mina. Tell her that she was there. Tell her that she cared. Not today though. She needed time to think. Just not today.


	5. Fake it until you make it

Mina was tired. Everyday faking that she was ok took a massive toll on her. She had been more careful recently. With Jihyo always near and Nayeon giving her pity glances, she couldn’t take it anymore.

As the days went by, Mina couldn’t even tell who she was anymore. She didn’t feel like herself. In fact, she didn’t even remember what normal felt like. Having absolutely no time to herself gave her no time to figure things out without a member seeing her breakdown.

Taking her phone and wallet, Mina quietly slipped out of her room. Tonight was one of the few days that they had a break. Even then, however, there was no way to leave the dorm without sneaking out. She knew it was wrong but honestly, she didn’t care.

Making her way to the kitchen, where there was an open window, Mina carefully checked around to make sure no one saw her. Once the coast was clear, she threw herself out of the window and into the dark night.

If she was being honest she had no idea where she was headed. She did need to be careful though. If anyone recognized her, it would be an absolute scandal. One that she wasn't mentally prepared to deal with. Pulling up her hoodie to cover her face, Mina silently walked the quiet streets of Seoul.

After walking for about 30 minutes, the girl spotted a nice looking cafe. Walking in, Mina was relieved to see no one was there. After all who would be there at 2 am on a Tuesday. Taking a seat at the corner, she finally let out the breath she was holding. For the first time in forever, She felt free.

“Hi, my name is Han, what can I get you?” A nice server asked.

Ordering an espresso, Mina went back to her own thoughts. Looking back at her past, Mina realized that this was not what she had wanted. She wanted to become like her favorite Idols, but she never realized that this was what it was going to be like. The hopeful girl used to think that this life was as glamorous as it came. She thought that idols were these gods and goddesses that had it all. Talent, fame, money, fans. Oh, how naive she was.

The dark side of this career was way darker than anyone had probably expected. Remembering back to her training days, she thought about all the girls she trained with. Many of which developed mental health issues such as depression and eating disorders. Back then it was so normal for girls to not eat at all for a day and then eat an apple the next.

She had thought that once she had debuted things would change. Realizing now, Mina had blinded herself. So many idols still had to deal with the strict rules from training. Many even having stricter rules. She knew this. She had witnessed so many already debuted idols crumble. She witnessed her own role models go through impossible times. Yet she thought she would be different. Oh, how naive she really was.

Even her members had full breakdowns in front of her. Momo the dancing machine. The girl who seemed tough and unaffected by negative comments was the first to break. She remembered having to pick up the pieces after all of the scars Sixteen had caused her.

Jeongyeon was next. The older girl had always been one to put others feelings first. So when fans started criticizing her for every little thing she did, she bottled it up. It wasn’t until one day when they were talking about their troubles that all the suppressed feelings came out all at once.

Slowly one by one the most important people in her life began to break. Some harder than others. They became little pieces that alone didn’t mean anything but together created a masterpiece. She wasn’t about to be the person to break that masterpiece.

Walking to the dorms, Mina smiled. Not a real smile but a smile nevertheless. Fake it until you make it they say. Maybe she won’t make it today but at least her smile did.

 


End file.
